Learning the game
by Gertrud
Summary: My version of how season 4 should continue. It's going to be Mer/Der but there will be Der/Rose. All the other characters are in her too... UPDATED - finally!
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of Grey's Anatomy unfortunately.._.

CHAPTER 1: THE END

_This is the end, beautiful friend._

_This is the end, my only friend,_

_The end, of our elaborate plans,_

_The end, of everything that stands,_

_The end, no safety or surprise_

_Endings. It can crush your heart and leave it shattered on the floor. It can bring you hope or just a flicker of light in the darkest night. It can turn out all light around you and have you falling endlessly. The end…_

"So you're over?" Izzy looked in disbelieve.

"You and McDreamy? Over?"

"Yes," Meredith avoided eye contact by continuously looking into her bowl of cereal.

"Why?" Izzy didn't let go, pulled out the chair across from Meredith and sat down.

"'morning" Meredith's eyes flew up and she gave Alex a wide smile of relief.

"Meredith's done with McDreamy," Izzy stated bringing back the conversation and Merediths smile fainted.

"Heard that before." Alex sounded completely uninterested.

"Yes, but that was before McDreamy was kissing nurses." Alex turned with a spark of interest in his eyes.

"Shepherd kissed a nurse?"

"Yeah…" Izzy said with a grin satisfied that Alex took an interest.

"Who?" Alex quickly asked

"Rosa, Rosy something…"

"Rose..." Meredith corrected.

"So you were exclusive?" Alex this time directed the question to Meredith, who just shot him a glare.

"How am I suppose to know that. You're constantly breaking up and when you're broken up you're having break-up sex," Alex said leading again the table.

"Exactly! Plus you love him!" Izzy said triumphing.

"I…" Meredith looked at her friends who were just nodding and smiling of her.

"It's over," she finally said while getting up.

"Yeah, sure" Izzy smiled. Meredith stopped in the doorway and turned. Izzy's smile faded seeing her friend's sad expression.

"This is the end." With that Meredith left for work. Izzy's smile had faded as if she suddenly believed her friend.

"How's Tucker?" Lexie and George were walking towards the staff room. Everybody had been paged to get there immediately. So far it had been a quiet day.

"He's doing better today…" George said not really answering the question.

"So with Bailey out of the picture who's chief resident?" Lexie asked the question as they entered the room and automatically George went to stand next to Cristina. Seconds later Meredith, Izzy and Alex showed up in the doorway and as they found their places close to George, Lexie and Cristina. Izzy managed to whisper,

"What's this about?" They all looked to Cristina knowing that if anyone knew the answer it would be her. Before she had the chance to answer the chief walked into the crowded room closely followed by Torace, Sloan and much to Meredith's discomfort a certain Dr. Shepherd.

"As you all know Dr. Bailey's son was in an accident yesterday. His condition is stabile. Recovery will, however, take a long time. Dr. Bailey is therefore not going to be around most of the time. This of cause leaves us with a problem with the spot at chief resident. Dr. Torace has, however, ensured me that she's ready to take on her old job. So for the time being and until Dr. Bailey's back Dr. Torace is the chief resident. There has previously been some switching of surgeries, interns and what have we. This is no longer an option. To the residents: you have your interns and it's not an option to switch one of the whole lot for others. The same goes for the surgeries. Dr Torace and the surgeons are dividing you and you're not allowed to swap or switch as you please. That's it for now… go, do your rounds and let hope for a bit of quiet around here!" The chief turned and walked out of the room, again followed by the surgeons. Derek shortly caught Meredith's eyes and they locked for a second or less before he walked out of the room leaving Meredith rather confused. She had gotten pretty good at reading his expression but this one was new.

"So you're hiding?" Cristina more concluded than asked. She had looked all over the hospital before she finally had remembered where Meredith hideout was. Meredith's head jerked up from the pile of papers in her lab.

"No."

"Avoider." Cristina mocked.

"I was looking for some peace and quiet so I could do these before my shift is over." Meredith lied and it annoyed her how obvious it was.

"So you're avoiding McDreamy?" Cristina bumped down on the floor next to Meredith.

The chief's wish had been answered it had been an unusually quiet day. Everybody had been walking around waiting for the storm that never seemed to come. This had left Meredith to paperwork, Izzy were busy putting things in their right place in the clinic, George and Lexie had gone to study with some other interns and Cristina was roaming the halls ready if a surgery should suddenly turn up.

"No, I've seen him" Meredith crept around.

"Saw him and ran, huh?"

"Pretty much, yeah" Meredith admitted laying the pile of papers on the floor and stretched her legs.

"And slutty-stinging-flower?"

"That what we call her?"

"Until we find something better"

"No, haven't seen her… probably playing scrub nurse, wiping of sweat of the doctor's forehead"

"Yeah, right! McDreamy don't have any surgeries today… oh," Christina quickly looked at her "person".

"So you think there's time for the McNasty with slutty nurse?" avoiding the question and the 100000 thoughts concerning Derek Meredith quickly looked at her watch and before Cristina could speak again she quickly said,

"My shifts over" With that she stood, offering a hand to help her friend up from the floor.

"I know… crappy day. No surgery, no fun, no nothing!"

"We could have a drink…" Meredith suggested deciding tequila would take her mind off of Derek.

"Or two…"

"Two's good…" Meredith grinned feeling better than she had for the last 24 hours.

Outside the rain purred down and Cristina and Meredith hurried across the street and quickly opened the door and entered. Here they took two seconds to shake of the worst rain before they walked to the bar.

"Tequila?" Joe was already purring two shots as he asked the question.

"You know us too well." Meredith sent him a smile and sat down.

"So you and the good doctor broke up?" Meredith, who'd been looking around the bar quickly looked at Joe.

"Most of the costumers are working at the hospital and like it or not but Meredith Grey is a very popular topic." Joe answered to Meredith's silent question.

"Don't people have anything else to talk about?" Meredith sounded annoyed and Cristina, also annoyed the conversation was back to McDreamy, quickly emptied her glass closely followed by Meredith. Joe immediately filled the glasses again.

"What else have you heard?" Meredith asked trying to shake the fact that she had again been reminded that she again was single and worse than that: single without Derek and break-up sex. Joe hesitated before answering her question, which made both Meredith and Cristina sit straighter in their chairs ready to hear some gossip.

"… that he's already dating a new one…" Joe grapped a wet glass and started drying it focusing his eyes on his hand. This time Meredith emptied her glass and before Joe could reach the bottle to fill the glass again she had done it herself and drowned another.

Putting the glass down, she filled it again this time putting the bottle back behind the desk and looked directly at Joe.

"And?" Joe seemed confused and looked to Cristina for help.

"You said it like you knew something more than that," Christina offered.

"Oh, yeah…" Joe said, again hesitating.

"They were here yesterday…" he said intensely rubbing the glass.

"That's clean now and we need details!" Meredith commanded leaving no room for discussion.

"They sat over there," Joe pointed towards a table not in a corner but a bit isolated. The two girls kept down-starring him, so he continued.

"They had drinks, uh, Rose had a couple of beers and Derek had…"

"Whiskey" Meredith interrupted impatiently.

"If your ex were out with someone else is this the kind of details you'd want to hear?" Joe finally placed the glass on a shelf behind him.

"They talked a long time, looked very cosy. They had pretty much to drink but they were here a long time too…" Joe elaborated.

"Did they kiss?" This time it was Cristina asking while Meredith shot down two more shots.

"Yes" Joe said simply.

"McBastard!" Cristina had taken charge over the bottle and kept their glasses full.

"A lot?" Meredith half coughed while eyeing Cristina to fill her once again empty glass. Joe rolled his eyes.

"You really wanna know?" he asked

"I really wanna know – EVERYTHING!" Meredith said a bit loud.

"Yes they kiss a lot, they danced, they drank and they left together." Joe said taking the bottle from Cristina who began to have trouble hiding the small glasses.

"Ass!" Meredith whispered signing Joe to fill her glass again.

"You sure you wanna continue in that rate? You know tequila really knocks you out and you've already had a fair portion…" Joe tried to reason holding the bottle back. Cristina quickly pulled money up from her pocket and placed them on the table.

"That should cover the bottle, so keep them coming," she ordered receiving a surrendering nod from Joe.

"McBastard wants house and kids and whatever. McSlutty nurse wants that too," Meredith rambled sadly. In the chair next to her Cristina kept saying McBastard – slutty McNurse - Nurse Mcslutty – mody pack merse." Then started laughing. It was getting darker outside and the two were already drunk to the bones. This was the state Izzy, George and Alex found them in.

"Whao, somebody's been looking deep in this bottle" Izzy said lifting the empty tequila bottle with two fingers.

"Stevens!" Cristina exclaimed giving Izzy a clumsy hug. Izzy looked mortified at Cristina as she bumped down in the chair next to Meredith again.

"Seriously?" Izzy looked at Joe who just pulled his shoulders up a bit.

"Mer… you okay?" George walked over and stood next to Meredith who was quietly mumbling to her empty shot-glass.  
"She's fine. Can't you see she's talking about it?" Cristina half shouted before starting to giggle.

"I'd rather be Yang than Grey right now." Alex commented putting his beer down on the desk.

"Alex," Izzy scolded. "She's talking to a shot-glass!"

"Yeah, it's pretty funny isn't it?" He said half hearted taking another sip from his beer before shouting,

"Grey! Grey!" Meredith didn't react until Alex was practically screaming loud enough for people in the hospital to hear him.

"What?" She said annoyed to be pulled out of her deep and very important conversation.

"O'Maley got a new place to stay." Alex answered over enthusiastic, then added.

"He's gonna live with Lexie, isn't that just intern year all over again?" Izzy and George glares were killing but Alex didn't seem to notice his eyes were focused on Meredith who slowly seemed to understand what had just been said. Cristina stood and hugged George.

"Congratulation Georgy! That's great!" She said turning trying to find her chair but having some difficulties getting back to sitting on it. Meredith remained silent making Alex shout,

"Hey Grey! Didn't you hear what I just told you?" This time Meredith gave a little nod, then stood having a bit of trouble finding her balance before she looked at George for what seemed an eternity then turned and started to walk towards the door.

"Where's she going?" Alex said disappointed.

"Sometime… no, most of the time you're a real ass," Izzy said angrily; then hurried after Meredith. She reached her before she'd reach the door.

"Need to be alone." Meredith mumbled and continued slowly towards the door.

"No, you're not fit to go anywhere on your own right now" Izzy said grapping Meredith by the elbow.

"Izzy, I'm fine," Meredith said soberly and Izzy eased her grip a bit.

"I can follow you and get a taxi…" she hoped Meredith would say yes but a shaking head was the answer.

"Let go. I'll be fine!" Meredith said convincingly. "Just… need to be alone." Giving up Izzy let go but stood nailed to the floor and watched as Meredith walked outside in the rain.

"Joe another round for us good doctors!" Cristina shouted with a huge smile making Izzy, George and Alex forget about their concern for Meredith.

"Hey" A smile spread across Rose's lips as Derek lifted his head and met her eyes.

"Hi" he said a little less enthusiastic but his voice was welcoming and a small smile appeared on his lips too.

"So, yesterday was nice," Rose said shyly, which made Derek's smile widen.

"Nice, huh?" In his head Rose's hair suddenly became blonde and her face transformed into Meredith's. Well aware he was imagining and pretending he still couldn't help but step closer to Rose and place a quick kiss on her lips.

"Nice," Rose giggled happily. The empty whole that had filled Derek since the definitive break-up with Meredith was for a brief moment overshadowed with excitement. He had spent yesterday evening and the beginning of the night with Rose and the other thinking about Meredith. He had had a good time with Rose last night. She seemed sweet and uncomplicated and she was not afraid, not pulling away and still here he was pretending she was Meredith.

"You were a real gentleman," Rose said walking close to him, her fingers playing with the collar of his scrubs. Derek knew very well that he'd indicated something with that kiss. It had taken away Rose's uncertainty and shyness and now her hands were around his neck pulling him into a kiss.

"You off for today?" Derek asked pulling away from Rose.

"In 10 minutes… wanna be less of a gentleman today?" She said boldly.

"Rose… yesterday was… nice. I really had a good time!" Derek fear for what he'd just started but knew he now had to continue.

"You know Mer and I just…" he searched for words but they were stuck in his throat.

"You just broke up. I know" Rose said.

"I know we're just dating and I know the whole Meredith-things been messy. Let just go with this…see where it leads us…" she smiled sweetly and Derek felt his barriers melting away, slowly nodding he accepted Rose's suggestion.

"Okay?"

"Okay" He gave her a small smile.

"Why don't you go change and I'll meet you downstairs in 15 minutes?"

"Maybe I'll be less of a gentleman today" Derek said and smiled before he walked toward his office.

Derek was sitting in one of the chairs in the foyer. Doubt still filled his mind. Yesterday he'd asked Rose out more or less because he was angry and hurt but then they'd had really nice evening and he'd actually enjoyed it despite the nagging feeling that he was betraying Meredith. Rose was everything he'd asked Meredith to be. She was ready to commit, she was open, she let him in and she didn't make everything so very complicated. The last point she'd just proved by giving the whole "let-see-where-it-takes-us" speech. Mark was right. Derek wasn't the kind of person to kiss nurses in the scrub room without it meaning something. It was undeniable there was a connection between Rose and him. He had after all spent a good part of an afternoon finding out what her name was.

"Ready?" Her voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he quickly stood, smiled his yes.

"So, what did you have in mind now?" Derek asked while walking out into the rain.

"Joe's?" Rose pointed towards the bar just across the street.

"It raining too much to go anywhere else – at least on foot," she continued.

Rose was talking about a patient as they walked across the street but halfway across Derek got distracted. He could recognise Meredith anywhere and judged but her zigzag walk she was probably drunk. Her hand slid over the surface of the wall as she walked several steps away from the door. In one motion her free hand caught a grip of her lose hair, she leaned forward as she started throwing up and slowly her knees started to give away under her. Rose had stopped talking and she followed Derek as he quickly ran to Meredith getting a hold of her and lowering her to a squatting position slowly, continuing to steady her. Meredith didn't seem to notice someone was keeping her balance. Derek gathered her hair tighter together and Meredith let go now resting both hands on the wall in an attempt to steady herself.

"I'll wait inside," Rose said feeling the rain getting through her clothes. Derek just nodded.

He'd lost track of time but the rain had soaked his clothes when Meredith finally seemed to have emptied her stomach. He felt her shake, heard her cough as her stomach kept contracting though there was nothing left to throw up.

"Thank you," she breathed. She hadn't seen him but knew who it was.

"Yeah…" Derek said not knowing what else to say. Meredith tried to straighten a bit up and Derek let go of her hair and she wiped it behind a ear.

"You should get inside. Rose's waiting for you." Meredith said in an aggressive tone. Derek flinched slightly.

"Yeah… you okay?" he asked, well knowing what she was going to answer. He was still steadying her but then Meredith tore herself away from him, swayed a little but leaning against the wall she straightened up.

"I'm fine." Her voice was cold and dismissing. Derek felt torn. Clearly Meredith didn't want him around any longer but it was also clear to anyone that she was drunk as a sailor and she was shaking from the cold rain.

"Just go!" The coldness was gone and was replaced with a mix of hurt, sadness and tiredness. Derek looked her into her eyes for a second longer, then nodded before turning and walking away. Meredith stood and looked after him until he disappeared in through the door, then got a hold of a taxi.

Finally home she tiredly walked to her room where she closed the door leaned against it, tears started moving down her cheeks and she slid to the floor.

_Endings. They'll beat you 'till you can't stand no longer. Do we choose them ourselves? Probably not but pride, fear, anger, misunderstandings can end everything. _

_This is the end, beautiful friend,_

_This is the end, my only friend,_

_The end, it hurts to set you free,_

_But you'll never follow me._

_The end of laughter and soft lies,_

_The end of nights we tried to die._

_This is the end._

_Just remember an end, however much it breaks, hurts, and cripples you, is nothing but a new beginning._

AU:

First chapter of my GA ff. I'm very excited about this one and hope I'll be able to finish it and keep updating regularly – I promise to do my best! Please do leave a review, they mean a lot!

Just to clarify the italic in the beginning and end is the narrator. Also I know there's some Rose/Derek but you'll have to bear over with me for the time being. I have a plan and I'm a huge Mer/Der shipper, so there's no question about who's going to end up together in my mind but it'll take time to get them there, so please keep reading and tell me what you think!

The song I've used bits and pieces from is "The end" by Doors.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2 LETTING GO

_We, human beings, have a tendency to hold on to the known. A tendency to fall into certain patterns or routines. Whether it's the way you get out of bed, how you wash you hair, a rhythm of how you do things or it's the way you interact with people. Routines. Patterns. We fall into them, hang on to them even if we don't know it._

Lexie Grey ran into the hospital. She was late for the second time that week.

"You're late Dr. Grey," Cristina said. She was leaning against the desk of the nurse's station, resting her head in her one hand.

"You look like I feel," Alex's rusty voice interrupted Lexie's apology.

"Thanks." Cristina said ironically then again turned her attention to Lexie but again Alex interrupted.

"You've seen Grey yet?"

"Her interns're not here so I'm guessing she's put them to work," Cristina signed.

"Hey." Izzy and George joint them at the desk.

"So what are we talking about?"

"You're way to bright and bubbly" Cristina said and turn towards Lexie.

"She's definitely not." Everybody followed George's eyes. Meredith had just entered the hall from the toilets.

"She's not still puking, right?" Alex sounded a bit discussed.

"She was puking when you came home?" Cristina said disbelieving.

"No." Izzy shot Alex a look. "You know that kind of comments'll really get people to talk and you know how they like to talk about Mer."

"You look like you went to hell but were thrown back here," Alex smiled.

"Thanks, Alex. You look like crap too," Meredith grabbed Cristina's coffee and took a sip.

"That's mine!"

"Yeah, but I'm too hung over to get my own"

"I was drinking with you, remember? You think today's a dance on roses for me?" Cristina bit back taking back her coffee.

"According to Alex I look like I've been spit out of hell, that tops everything." Meredith reached for the coffee but Cristina quickly pulled it back.

"I'm sad and depressed," she pouted with her lower lip.

"No, you're not," Izzy broke in.

"Hey miss sunshine stay out of this!" Izzy smiled and held her hands up in surrender.

"I better check on my interns." Izzy waved walking away.

"Interns..." Cristina again looked at Lexie, who'd been standing watching everything.

"You're late Grey." Lexie was just about to speak up but Cristina silenced her.

"Just don't let it happen again." Just then all the pagers went off.

"Pit 911." Alex said but they were already on the move.

Callie was already there.

"We have incoming from a car accident. Three cars – 8 persons. Dr. Yang you'll take that," Callie pointed towards the first ambulance, which was just pulling in closely followed by 2 others.

"Grey, Karev," she commanded.

"Where the hell are all your interns?" She shouted after them.

"On their way," Alex and Cristina answered with one mouth. Callie watched as Cristina, Alex and Meredith got the patients out of the ambulances, awaiting the last ambulance herself.

Derek quickly moved down the hall. He'd had half a day off but had been paged.

"Dr. Karev?" He asked as he entered the CT observation room.

"Car accident. 24 year old female suffered severe head trauma." Alex said pointing towards the pictures.

"She needs operation ASPA. Get an OR ready. You're scrubbing in. We'll need two interns." Derek was already on his way out of the room again. He still needed to change into scrubs before the surgery.

10 minutes later he walked into the staff room in scrubs. He had 15 minutes before the operation – enough time for coffee. He stopped when he saw Meredith. She was purring coffee and hadn't noticed him yet. Slowly she turned and Derek felt worried. She didn't look well at all. Her face was pale and her eyes were red.  
"Oh." They stood there for seconds without moving just looking at each other.

"How you feeling?" Derek finally spoke.

"I'm fine," Meredith said pressing her lips tightly together.

"Good." He nodded.

"Thank you… for … yesterday…" She gestured with one hand while speaking.

"Sure, anytime." Derek gave a little smile.

"Bad day?" He asked raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Meredith nodded moving away from the coffee machine so Derek could get some.

"Perfect revenge…" Meredith looked questioning at him.

"Overdoses of tequila – always helps," he again smiled and took a small sip of his coffee. Not knowing what to say to that Meredith just returned the smile. He looked happy. He wasn't tired or angry but he seemed to be in a good mood and much to her dismay Meredith had to admit part of that was probably Rose's doing.

"You got surgery?" She asked when the silence became too long.

"Yeah, I better get down there…"

"Okay…" Meredith again moved aside so he could pass her.

"Okay," he mumbled as he walked towards the OR.

"Callie," George jogged after her. She had just come out of an OR.

"Dr. O'Malley, what can I help you with?" she slowed down allowing him to walk beside her.

"Dr. O'Malley?" George said shaking his head but then decided to let it go.

"Dr. Grey sent me. She would like you to take a look at one of her patients." Callie just nodded. George grew tired of the walking and talking, so he grasped her elbow stopping her.

"I know I hurt you and I'm sorry but just stop walking, please," his eyes asked for forgiveness. His journey towards a better old George needed her to forgive him. It needed him to concentrate more on work. It needed him to be there for his friends and it needed him to distance him to find a proper place to stay.

"You fell in love with your best friend, you kiss her and had sex with her. That's adultery and I have no good reason to forgive you. Give me something, George!" She was suddenly close to tears and now she was begging him. This was unexpected and George just stood and waited for her to continue.

"Give me some reason, something that'll ensure me you're still the good guy that I fell so madly in love with." She quickly brushed away the tears before clearing her throat and continuing,

"Tell Dr. Grey I'll be right there" Her professional tone was back and the brief moments of vulnerability, honesty and sincerity was gone. George nodded and left him mind going 100 miles/hour.

"Dr. Hahn!" Mark grew into a charming smile, which just seemed to rub of Erika.

"Dr. Sloan," she greeted coldly, not taking her eyes of the surgical board.

"You're cold. You know that, right?" Mark said turning his eyes to the board as well.

"Not cold, just not interested." Erika briefly looked towards Mark and noticed Izzy.

"Dr. Stevens." She said this time more friendly than cold.

"Dr. Hahn." Izzy said a bit insecure. She hadn't seen Erika for a couple of days. Not since she gave up the cardio fight with Cristina.

"So you got Yang." Mark smirked knowing Erika wasn't the biggest fan of Cristina. Erika quickly glanced at the board.

"Unfortunately yes, but I see you have Stevens. Care to switch?" Her tone was not exactly cold anymore.

"I'd love to but you heard the Chief – no switching." Mark apologised with a happy tone.

"Besides Yang's good at cardio," he added.

"She's an achiever and motivated and…"

"With other words: she's you." Izzy kicked in feeling uneasy about the two doctors conversation. Erika gave her a glare but then nodded.

"Yes, she's like me - except I'm on the top and she's just on her way." It was clear to everybody Erika was not in a good mood.

"I can see the potential Burke saw in her but their relationship certainly was an advantage for her." Erika bitterly said.

"Their relationship's none of your business!" Meredith's angry voice startled the three.

"You've got the best junior resident for your surgery today – you should be happy jumping." Meredith continued aggressively, then added,

"Cristina's gonna help you save a life," more quietly. Izzy sent Meredith a thankful smile, Mark seemed amused but Erika gave Meredith the coldest look.

"Dr. Grey, I bet you know your fair share of how to get to the top the fastest. You were after all the first to sleep your way to a surgery." Erika's eyes shot up and down Meredith as she spoke.

"Now I have a surgery to do." With that she walked away leaving Izzy and Mark starring in chock at Meredith who just stood still nailed to the floor.

"That was cold," Mark pointed out trying to get some reaction from Meredith but she still didn't move, her expression stayed the same; empty.

"Dr. Grey," Callie said approaching the three from a far. Meredith reacted immediately and turned toward her.

"Yes, I have a patient I would think you should take a look at."

"That was rude!" Izzy spat once Callie and Meredith had walked away. Mark, who was standing with his back to her, nodded.

"Fascinating woman," he mumbled. Izzy was about to ask if he was talking about Meredith or Erika but Mark said they had patients to see and that closed that conversation.

"Cardio woman's a bitch," Cristina said arriving at the table where George, Izzy and Meredith were sitting. Behind Cristina Lexie stood looking insecure.

"Sit down," Meredith said. Cristina had already bumped down in a chair but Lexie sent her a thankful smile and sat down too.

"What's she do?" Meredith now spoke to Cristina.

"We've been in surgery for 5 hours and I only got to instruct my interns! Tell them what's going on. I didn't hold a scalpel or needle or anything!" Cristina was clearly frustrated. Normally surgery was her happy place but not today.

"Yeah, she's not your biggest fan," Izzy frowned briefly exchanging a look with Meredith.

"You don't say! Grey got to be more active than me!" Lexie ducked a bit feeling Cristina's anger turning towards her.

"So you found a place to stay?" Meredith suddenly asked George and Lexie surprising everyone by trying to make it a nice conversation.

"Yes, it's very close by. A basement of a big house, two rooms, well three but the third's gonna be the living room… there's a kitchen and a bathroom too so it fits nicely" he said excited.

"When're you moving in?" Lizzy said less enthusiastic with a hint of tension.

"Today if we want. They just finished making it ready and they want us to move in as soon as possible" George responded.

"Great," Meredith said trying hard to sound happy and apparently it worked 'cause both George and Lexie gave her a smile.

"You're still always welcome at the house, you know," she added looking down into her food.

"Thank you," Lexie said.

"Damn!" Everybody looked at Cristina. "I forgot to buy new cutlery," she explained receiving a headshake from Meredith.

"You could start being a friend of the environment you know… do dishes…" Meredith smiled.

"Oh, come on we all know Izzy's doing yours," Cristina pointed out. Somehow the lunch break turned out to be quite cosy despite the bad day and the head act at least two of the participants were having.

"You told your dad you're moving out yet?" Lexie turned and found Alex standing in the doorway to the on-call room she'd just entered. She shook her head, no.

"Huh, how'd you think he'll take it?" Lexie pulled her shoulders. She'd been postponing telling him and she was dreading the outcome of that conversation.

"What're you doing here?" She asked instead, getting away from the subject. There was no hostility in her voice – for the first time since she'd found out about Alex and Rebecca.

"Saw you walk in here and I heard you and George had found a place at Joe's yesterday…" he explained.

"Oh." There was an awkward silence.

"Listen you never hid the fact that you were a player and we never said exclusive, so…" Lexie spoke fast and soon found herself lost for words. Alex just stayed in the door and looked straight at her and she started wondering if he'd even heard her.

"Well, if you need a player, you know were to find me," he finally said, gave a little charming smile, turned and walked away. Lexie bumped down on the bed feeling exhausted and confused.

"There you are," Rose said approaching the nurse station where Derek was writing in a chart.

"Hey," he gave her a smile. She returned the smile feeling happy. After Derek had entered Joe's soaking wet she's decided that he needed drying up, so they'd ended up at her place. One thing had let to another and happily she'd found herself waking up in the arms of McDreamy.

"So you're eating today?" She asked still smiling.

"People have accused me of being one of those health freaks," he chuckled.

"Really?" Rose smiled happy to see that he wasn't pulling back or acting awkward. "So, what do you eat for break fest?"

"Muesli," Derek answered without hesitation.

"You?" He lifted his eyebrows as he spoke.

"Oat flakes with milk," she confessed.

"I guess, I'm not the only heath freak around here," he reached out and with one hand pulled her into a kiss. Rose pulled him in for a hug and his eyes scanned the hall and caught sight of someone further down the hall. Breath got stuck in his throat and he felt his heart break all over again as he saw Meredith turn and walk away. Rose, who hadn't noticed his smile fall, said,

"So I guess we're having dinner tonight?" she concluded more than asked. Derek just nodded absentminded. A sick feeling stuck in the pit of his stomach.

Breathing heavily and fighting tears Meredith walked toilet where she locked the door and sat down on the toilet rested her head in her hands and cried. She wished she hadn't gotten the idea of looking at that chart, she wouldn't have seen them then. He'd looked happy earlier that day and now he was kissing her in the halls. He was happy and it hurt her more than she thought possible. Somehow she knew this break-up was it and yet her world just fell apart all over again. Feeling her heart act her one hand pressed against it while the other wiped away the tears. He was _her_ McDreamy and she had been scared, she had pushed him away; it was never his fault and now he was happy.

"Meredith," Lexie called. It was late in the evening and Meredith had just finished rounds and was now on her way to one of the on-call rooms to see if she could get a bit of sleep. She slowed down allowing Lexie to catch up with her.

"Thank you for being all nice at lunch…" Meredith just nodded and hesitatingly Lexie continued,

"You didn't seem thrilled yesterday when George told you we'd found a place and I were just really surprised today."

"Lexie," Meredith interrupted.

"George is my friend and somehow he needs this. I don't understand it but I know he needs it and so I'll be all supportive and you seem nice…" she trailed of.

"So we're… friends?" Lexie asked unsurely. Looking into the floor. Torn Meredith waited to answer. She liked Lexie, she really did seem nice but somehow it was as if George was replacing Meredith with Lexie just like Thatcher had done. All this wasn't Lexie's fault but it hurt Meredith all the same.

"I'm your friend," Meredith said in a steady voice looking straight at her sister and for the first time thought it might even be nice to have some family. Lexie nodded trying to fight tears.

"Okay," she said smiling.

Nervously Lexie opened the door and walked into the house. She walked through the entrance then turned left and found her father sitting in his chair watching TV; the scotch bottle on the table was obligatory these days.

"Lexie!" he exclaimed as he realised she was home.

"How was your day?" he sounded rather sober and Lexie looked at the bottle again and saw it was still almost full.

"Okay," she answered and walked over to him and placed a kiss on his unshaved cheek.

"Dad, there's something I need to tell you," she started and sat down in the couch. He just smiled and waited for her to continue.

"I'm moving out…" She didn't breath, just waited for him to react.

"Out?" She nodded.

"I'm going to share an apartment with on of the other interns." She explained. Thatcher just sat there, he didn't speak or blink or react in any other way.

"Dad?" Lexie tried to get a reaction and finally Thatcher blinked.

"I understand," he said in a sad tone. Lexie had feared he'd scream or drink or walk away but this was somehow worse. He understood?

"I'll come by sometimes," she tried to get a bit more out of him.

"You're always welcome sweetheart," he said. Confused Lexie changed the subject,

"You ate?" Thatcher shook his head

"I wanted to wait for you. I knew you got of late, so I thought we could order pizza," he said calmly. Lexie nodded. This was not how she'd thought this would have played out.

"Dr. Shepherd" George greeted as Derek came towards him with Rose a few steps behind. They were both in their normal clothes but for the second time that day Derek had been paged.

"Fill me in O'Malley," Derek said as their headed for the scan observation room.

"He had a fractures on both his legs and Dr. Grey did get a CT of him earlier but everything seemed fine but then he had a seizure and…" George didn't get any further before they entered the room. Meredith quickly turned as the three walked in. Derek's eyes quickly looked at her – she looked tired - before his attention was turned towards the scans.

"There," he pointed to the dark area,

"Haemorrhaging," Meredith nodded.

"How many seizures has he had so far?"

"Three," George answered. Derek nodded.

"We need to operate. Get an OR ready. Dr. Grey and Dr. O'Malley you're scrubbing in." He informed.

"We're short of nurses tonight," nurse Tyler said before he looked questioning at Rose.

"I'll help," she quickly agreed.

"Good, let get moving people" Derek hurried out of the room toward the changing room.

Meredith was washing her hands in the scrub-in room when the door opened and Derek came in.

"Everything ready?" She nodded and fixed her eyes on her hands scrubbing them thoroughly. Derek signed,

"Meredith." She didn't look at him.

"Meredith, I'm… I'm sorry." He spoke softly and Meredith breathed in, stopped scrubbing her hands and held them up now looking him straight in the eyes.

"It's okay…you're happy… she seems… nice," she said quietly,

"I'm …" she slowly let the air out, "letting go." He could see the tears forming but she quickly walked to the door and walking into the OR. She was letting go? He didn't understand it but right now he didn't have the time to think about it.

"Okay, people it's a beautiful night to save lives," he said half hearted trying to bring a light atmosphere into the room.

"Wow, you guys look like you're gonna fall over anytime," Izzy said looking at Meredith and George, who fell down in a chair on each their side of her.

"Four hours of surgery and the guy dies," George shook his head.

"The leg-guy?" Izzy asked.

"Yeah, turns out his been hiding haemorrhaging in his brain," Meredith mumbled.

"Not so clever," George said leaning his head against the wall behind him.

"You ready to go?" Rose said from the door. Derek was back in his normal clothes.

"Yeah," he straightened his sweater with one hand.

"We did all we could." Rose said as they walked out into the hall.

"I know," Derek wished she'd just stop talking. He hated losing patient but it had happened so many times now that he if he needed to talk about it did so by himself. Meredith had understood that. This was not Meredith he reminded himself.

"Dr. Grey!" The loud call made Derek scan the otherwise quiet hall. In some chairs a bit further ahead he found Meredith, George and Izzy and further down he saw Thatcher Grey zigzagging his way towards the chairs.

"Dr. Grey," he again said this time even louder. Meredith was already on her feet taking in her drunken father.

"Thatcher," she said unsure of what to do.

"Dad!" Lexie appeared quickly moving towards Thatcher.

"No, I need to speak to _Dr. Grey._" He held up his hand and Lexie stood still. Meredith walked over to Thatcher.

"What is it?" she said quickly exchanging a glance with Lexie.

"You k… killed my… wife." He stumbled over the words and swayed a little now where he was standing still. Meredith felt her heart drop. Last time she saw him he'd been apologising for being a bad father and abandoning her now he was once again accusing her.

"Why don't we go in here?" Meredith motioned towards the nearest empty room.

"No!" Thatcher stamped his one foot like a little child,

"People… need to…. sknow that there's an… incompetent," the long word was spelled out in syllables,

"…doctor here." Swallowing hard Meredith held up a hand stopping both George and Izzy from jumping in to defend her.  
"Mr. Grey," Meredith took in air, "I'm very sorry for your loss but I did everything I could." She felt like she was set back in time and once again she saw a quick moving hand coming towards her face. She flinched as it hit her across her face, she heard people gasp and felt the burning sensation in her skin. Her hand automatically found her sore chin and she was about to say something when Derek's angry voice suddenly rang through the hall.

"Mr. Grey. There are no incompetent doctors here! Just a lousy drunk." Derek was standing beside Meredith now.

"I may be dr…drunk" Thatcher stumbled,

"But she's also in-com-pe-tent!" Derek was about to speak again but Meredith silenced him.

"Mr. Grey, if you have any complaints you'll have to fill out some papers and then they'll be reviewed. Otherwise you have no business calling anyone incompetent." Meredith said trying to remain calm.

"Ssshe was.. my.. life," tears whelmed up in his eyes; then his eyes turned cold.

"You took her from me." He pointed a finger at Meredith.

"Y..you've always… been a … miss…stake… and… nnnoo gooddd…" Thatcher was about to say something more but two men were now grapping a hold of each side of him "politely" asking him to leave the hospital. Lexie stood dead still, tears streaming down her face, as she watching her father more or less being man handled out of the hospital. Izzy, George, Derek and everyone else who'd gathered to see what happened were watching Meredith. Her eyes were also on the three men, who were now entering the elevator. Derek saw how her chest rose and fell faster and faster, saw how tears build up in her eyes and how she started to shake.

"Get a bag," he quietly said to Rose.

"A bag?" she whispered.

"Any bag," he nodded not taking his eyes off of Meredith.

"Okay, people there are nothing to stand here for." Izzy said commandingly. Immediately everyone started moving, however, still keeping their eyes on the two Grey girls in the middle of the hall. Alex, who'd showed up somewhere in the middle of Thatcher's speech walked over to Lexie and gently touched her elbow.

"Let's get out of here," his voice was firm but soft and she didn't protest as he led her down the hall. Meanwhile Rose paced Derek a bag, which he was now holding in one hand, while the other were drawing small, soothing circles on Meredith's back.

"Breath, slow down, slow down and breath," he whispered as he pushed her over in the chair she'd been occupying when Thatcher had come. Her chest moved faster and faster and she was heaving after air. Derek held up the bag and kept speaking softly, soothing to her. He felt time rewind and found himself sitting in the storeroom. However, Meredith soon brought him back to the present. Still heaving for air she pushed away the bag.

"Go .. away," she stuttered out of breath. Derek's lips formed a "what?" but no sound came out of his mouth.

"Go away. Go away…" Meredith suddenly stood up, heaving for air, new tears formed and moved down her pale face. Derek stood confused and concerned and looked at her.

"Please go away!" Meredith cried not noticing all the people gathering around them again.

"I'm… letting go. Just let go…" Derek saw her fall apart right in front of him, saw her heart break and she was begging him to go and let go and he wasn't sure he understood what she meant.

"Meredith," he whispered hurt, broken and confused.

"No, go… go please! Let go!" He swallowed hard, hung his head in defeat, turned and slowly walked down the hall. He felt his heart race, his chest rising and falling fighting the tears as he walked away. He slowly opened the door to the staircase looked back saw the many people, Izzys lips moved and the people spread out some looking at him but most had their eyes on Meredith who was had now sunken to the floor where Cristina and George was kneeling beside her.

_The world could fall apart_

_But you are my heart, my dear_

_I will sing this song_

'_til we are gone, my dear_

_How do I keep you from losing your way_

_Hope you'll go out and you'll come back someday_

_But love is letting go _

_And this I know_

_Is you were mine_

_For a time_

_I have held you close_

_And breathed your name, my dear_

_I was with you then _

_and will remain, my dear_

_But love is letting go _

_And this I know_

_Is you were mine_

_For a time_

_Letting go. Breaking the routines you've so carefully learned. Patterns you know so well. Let go, fall, get lost, find and redefine yourself again. _

AU:

The lyric is from "Lullaby for Wyatt" by Sheryl Crow (from her new album, which btw is really, really good!!). I thought it really fitted though it seems it's written from a parent to a child. The feel you get from the song really matched this chapter 

Plus I think it fits Der/Mer. They have somehow fallen into this routine of breaking up but still being together e.g. Derek's use to reaching out and catching Meredith when she falls and he's use to be her knight in shining whatever even when they're not together and so what Meredith's really asking for in this chapter is for him not to do that anymore…

Anyway, there's a bit of everybody in this chapter – and a lot of Lexie. I felt it necessary for us to see them all (especially to get Lexie a bit more into it 'cause that's what it seems like the show's doing) interact there's so much going on emotionally right now for them all and somehow I need to get that down on paper. I wanted to finish this chapter another place but then I thought this was the perfect place. I hope you like the chapter. It's been difficult to write. I have so many ideas but somehow I feel I have to follow up on where the show left of before I can get them going….

Thanks to those of you who reviewed the first chapter(and thanks for the corrections of the names! I have dyslexia (not that that's an excuse), so I'm really trying to spell correctly but sometimes I just mix up the letters and it's hard to tell the difference – anyway, I hope you'll get the meaning!!! Please do leave a comment long or short :D


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3 SOMETHING GOOD

_Some say that when you fall of the horse you have to get back up on it. But what happens when you fall but you don't stop? What happens when you fall and get lost?_

"Mer?" Cristina had arrived at the point where Meredith had started screaming at Derek. Confused she was now sitting on the floor, her one hand on her friend's shoulder the other holding a bag that was rapidly blown up then sucked dry for air. Meredith's pale face was semi covered by the bag but it didn't seem to help slow down her fast breath.

"Mer? Mer, you need to calm down. You need to breath," Cristina instructed; slowly, audible breathing in then letting the air go again. George watched concerned while his hand was circling Meredith's back. Izzie, who'd just asked everybody to go back to work, was still trying to get people to go and not loiter around just to see the resident breaking down.

"What's going on here?" The chief's voice made the three look away from Meredith and Izzie short and quietly explained the situation. Richard face grew darker as she spoke and when she finished he too kneeled beside Meredith. Her breath was a bit slower but still faster than if she's been sprinting up and down the stairs. He gently took a firm grip at her elbow and automatically Cristina did the same. Together they pulled Meredith from the floor.

"We'll go to my office," he said not letting go of his grip.

"Derek!" Rose ran out of the hospital after him.

"Derek." She said softer and out of breathe as she reached him. He had dried his eyes as he'd heard her coming and he was now standing with his arms crossed over his chest. Without saying anything she pulled him into a hug and after a few seconds he slowly gave in and wrapped his arms around her. He wished it was Meredith and that he was the one consoling her but right now he needed someone. He needed not to be alone or rejected. It felt like that was all Meredith had been doing the last couple of months – rejecting him and he just needed to be embraced.

"I'm sorry," she whispered her mouth close to his ear.

"Let's go home," she said quietly pulling away and looking at him unsure if he would agree. He looked back at the hospital.

"Yang was there, wasn't she?" he asked.

"Yeah, she came in the end." Rose said a bit confused then she saw Derek nod,

"Let's go home," he agreed.

Alex wrapped another blanket around her and sat down next to her on the couch. She dried some tears away but more came.

"Thank you," she said with a small voice.

"He's not your responsibility, you know." Alex spoke softly. Lexie nodded,

"But he's my dad…" her voice broke and she started sobbing quietly.

"Yeah, he is…" Alex seemed lost in his own thoughts but then he looked at her,

"Come here," he opened his arms and she leaned in, letting her head rest on his shoulder and felt his close his arms around her.

"Meredith?" Cristina finally said. Meredith's breath was slow and steady now and she'd stopped crying. She turned her head hearing Cristina and offered a sad smile.

"Hi," Cristina whispered completely out of character. Meredith pressed her lips together and blinked away the new tears that were forming. Izzie and George were standing in the middle of the room not sure what to do with themselves. The chief had left the office after he'd made sure Meredith was well on her way to calm down.

"Lexie okay?" Meredith finally broke the silence. Looking from one to the other to the third.

"Alex's taking care of her…" Izzie answered sitting finally sitting down a bit more at ease now Meredith seemed to be talking again.

"I should go… my patients…" Meredith stood but paused for a second as if she needed to regain balance.

"They can wait… it is pretty late - or I can…" George started

"I'm fine now," Meredith said in firm voice and she looked straight at him. She walked to the door and opened it.

"Thank you," she said over her shoulder before she stepped outside.

George looked at Izzie.

"Should I go with her?" He sounded very unsure.

"That would be a good idea." Izzie finally said. George hesitatingly left the room. Cristina sat still for a while without saying anything. Izzie was starting to wonder if she should have gone with George but then something in Cristina's posture changed.

"I'm worried," she confessed. Izzie opened her mouth a bit in surprise.

"Yeah, me too…" she said falling into her own thoughts.

The night was long and George felt a wave of relief as it began to be light outside. He'd been trying to be close to Meredith the entire night but somehow she managed to keep him at a distance. It had been a rather quiet night only one patient had given them a hard time but her condition seemed to be improving, as the new day grew nearer. The new shift arrived and George knew that this day would be filled with gossip – most of it would probably be made up by people who hadn't even been there but who'd heard bits and pieces. He walked down to the cafeteria and grasped a sandwich, searched the tables until he found Izzie, Cristina and Alex.

"Thought you were with Lexie…" George pulled out a chair and sat down.

"Yeah, she said she'd been fine – just needed some sleep…" he tiredly robbed his eyes; there was no doubt that he'd been up most of the night.

"You're a very strange person," Cristina said keeping her eyes on the door like she expected to see Meredith walk through them anytime.

"And you're not?" Alex asked back. Cristina didn't answer and after a short break where Alex followed her gaze he continued.

"You're sitting in a cafeteria looking at a door like it's gonna blow any second." Cristina finally removed her eyes from the door and looked at the people around the table.

"Aren't you suppose to be with her?" George ducked a bit at Cristina harsh tone.

"She keeps giving me new assignments and…" George looked down on his food.

"I'm hungry." Izzie couldn't help but smile at him.  
"You're so sweet and Cristina honestly he's been babysitting her all night - give him a break." She lightened the atmosphere being all "yellow and bright".

"How's she?" Alex sounded concerned and again Cristina pointed out that he was a strange person… a bit of a mystery. George pulled his shoulders not knowing how to answer the question.  
"She hasn't said anything about yesterday and she hasn't slept but she's been pretty focused when she needed to…" Cristina nodded.

"One thing's for sure: today's gonna be Grey gossip day." Alex held his coffee cup with both hands and had an unreadable expression. The three others nodded.

There weren't a lot of people in the cantina but all talking suddenly ended and instantly the four knew Meredith had entered the room. She was standing with a tray and looked rather uncomfortable with the situation, slowly she walked over to their table.

"Hey," Izzie said overly happy.

"Hey," Meredith answered less enthusiastic. Cristina looked at around them before snaring,

"What're you looking at?" People returned their eyes to their food and slowly a quiet gossipy mumble spread.

"So I guess I'll be having a lot of that today." Meredith observed looking at her friends.

"How's Lexie?" she continued to Alex.

"She just needs some sleep…" he signed. Meredith nodded.

"You haven't seen him have you?" She didn't direct the question to anyone particular and they all looked at each other as if they tried to determined if the "he" she was referring to was Derek or Thatcher.

"He's off until 3," Izzie finally said taking a guess the "he" was Derek. Meredith didn't answer but looked at Alex and they realised she had meant Thatcher.

"No, we went home," Alex explained. A pager went of and Cristina quickly got up.

"See you," she said as she grabbed her food and hurried out.

"So I heard we had quiet a show here yesterday." It was late in the afternoon and Mark had just caught up with the chief.

"Gossip, huh…" Richard knew how fast news travelled in this place and he didn't care much for it.

"And Grey's still here?" Mark sounded impressed and the chief stopped, knowing Mark Sloan wasn't going to let it go just because he would keep walking.

"She's on 48hour shift." He confirmed. Mark nodded thoughtfully.

"But the other Grey's not?" A hint of amusement twinkled in his eyes.

"She's not feeling well." Richard had spoken to Karev earlier and they'd agreed Lexie should get some sleep and recuperate a bit before returning. In his heart Richard had hoped Meredith would have done the same but no one seemed to be able to get her to go home. He had tried talking to her earlier but she'd brushed him off by saying that she was thankful for his help yesterday but that she was fine now so he had nothing to worry about. Her eyes had been hard and distant all at the same time like she'd buried yesterday's events deep down.

"Hell of a father!" Mark snared surprising Richard with his intense tone of hate. And he searched Marks eyes as if he would find some explanation there.

"So, you've been catching up on gossip?" Derek's voice broke the two's eye contact.

"Heard she screamed at you too," Mark said smirking. Derek didn't even blink but raised one hand and scuffled through his hair.

"Yeah…" he admitted. He'd been up most night thinking about it. Rose had tried to talk to him when they had reached her house but he'd closed the conversation with Meredith's favourite line, "I'm fine. Really!" Then they'd gone to bed but Derek hadn't slept and after a while he'd quietly gone up. He'd never thought about that he was there when Meredith needed him. He was her knight in shining whatever and it came just as natural to him as breathing. He couldn't quietly stand by and watch her get hurt. He just couldn't.

"That's all I get?" Mark pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah," Derek smiled at his friend and started to walk away from the two.

"Seriously?" Mark called after him.

Alex was hurrying from patient to patient in the free clinic. Not far from him Meredith was tending to a dislocated shoulder while instructing two of her interns. The clinic was busy today. Luckily George could hold up his end of the work, so in a sense it was as if they were three residents there. Cristina had earlier spent a few hours there and Izzie dropped in as much as she could in between her surgeries.

"Busy day, huh?" Meredith said as she passed him to take care of the next patient. Just as she led the patient to one of the beds the door flew up and two police officers with a man between them walked in. Alex just saw her face and he knew Thatcher was there. He quickly instructed one of his interns how to proceed with his patient then he walked over to the newly arrived.

"Can I help you?" He asked in a far from friendly tone looking straight at Thatcher. One of the police officers pointed towards Thatcher's right arm.

"He twisted his hand when he stumbled down the stairs in a hardware store." Alex just pointed towards a bed and looked over his shoulder. Meredith was still standing holding the curtain, her face not showing any emotions.

"Meredith!" Thatcher said while waving at her.

"That's my daughter," he announce to the police officers. One of them moved over to Meredith

"May I speak with you?" He asked politely. Absentminded Meredith nodded and walked into the little medical office without any explanation to the patient she had been about to see.

"You're his daughter?" The officer found a piece of paper and a pen. Meredith nodded while mumbling

"Was…" The officer gave her a strange look but continued ignoring it.

"What's your name?" She blinked and her eyes slid from Thatcher, who Alex was now examining, up to the officer.

"I'm Meredith Grey."

"What's your father's name?"

"Thatcher Grey." She was back to looking at Alex and Thatcher.

"He was trying to steal a couple of garden scissors while balancing with a scotch bottle," the officer explained before Meredith could ask why Thatcher came accompanied by two policemen. She hadn't intended to ask and the officer seemed a bit confused about the silence.

"This is the second time his here within a short period of time, is that not correct?" He just received a nod.

"You understand we'll have to take him in… he will probably have to spent the night in detention but he'll maybe be released on bail tomorrow." Meredith swallowed.

"I have a phone," she said suddenly and the officer didn't really know what to response to that – congratulation? She snatched his paper and pen and scribbled her number down then handed it back to him.

"Call me… when he's bail is determined…. then… call me." Her voice shook a little, the officer nodded and she walked out and back to her patient without one more look at Thatcher.

"Hey you," Rose said walking up to Derek. Her shift was almost over but she knew Derek had the night watch.

"Hi," he gave her a smile.

"You feeling better?" She questioned. Derek felt most like just walking away but instead he nodded.

"You heard about what happened in the clinic?" Rose asked quietly. Derek shook his head. He had been in surgery all afternoon. He knew, he had to give Rose a chance so he pushed the irritation aside and looked at her smiling and interested asked,

"What happened?" when Rose didn't begin on her own. She looked at him and signed.

"Thatcher Grey returned…" Derek felt his smile fall.

"He was accompanied by two police officers. Meredith was there and apparently she spoke to one of the officers." Derek remained silent and Rose grew nervous and her mouth nervously rambled on,

"That is what I've gathered without the various details about Karev punching Mr. Grey, Meredith collapsing on the spot, Meredith starting to scream and all the other nice little colours gossip brings to a story." Derek's smile returned and he placed a finger over her mouth, silencing her.

"Thank you, for telling me." He gave her a quick kiss and walked away.

"I'm off now…" She called after him. He turned briefly,

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

Meredith sat down on one of the hospital beds occupying the empty hall. The situation in the clinic was finally under control and things had slowed down. Her legs were sore from standing and her head acted from being tired. She had been up for almost 48 hours. Normally she would spend at least a little part of the shifts to sleep but last night she couldn't. Not after what happened, then there'd been the huge amount of patients in the clinic and then she had scrubbed in on a surgery. She pulled her legs up to her chest, wrapped her arms around them and rested her head on her knees. It was getting lighter outside and soon she would the new shift would arrive and she could go home. Normally that thought comforted her, normally surgeries comforted her, normally Derek was there but she'd asked him to stay away. She felt the burning sensation in her eyes and felt water rise in them. She was sinking, falling deeper and deeper and had been since the break-up. She had tried to hold on to Cristina; to Izzie; to George; even Lexie and Alex but somehow her thoughts weren't enough. She needed something solid, a rock to climb up on; a branch to cling on to but there was nothing.

_Do you really think that you're lost? _

_And that you'll never find the way _

_Learn the secrets of the woods _

_See the picture if you could_

Derek saw her sit there; he watched her cry but he just observed from a far. Every fibre in his body ached to go and hold her but she had told him not to. She had asked him to let go. He was already running around with a nurse and worse than that he was rubbing it in her face. The least he could do was to do as she asked. So he just stood there imagining how it would be if he could comfort her. Quietly he inhaled taking one last look at her before he walked away.

"My bed's calling me!" Izzie pulled a sweater over her head and waited for Cristina and Meredith to be ready to go.

"Yeah, busy day and yet no surgery for me," Cristina said sadly.

"We can't all be as lucky as Meredith," she added looking at Meredith who was pulling the elastic, holding her hair in a tight ponytail, out. Meredith's phone started ringing before any of them got to say anymore. Cristina and Izzie exchanged looks hearing Meredith's "yeah" and "okay" and "bye".

"I better go bail him out…" Izzie and Cristina nodded in unison.

"Want me to go with you?" Cristina offered.

"No, your bed's calling" Meredith answered walking past them.

"See you later" she said before walking out the door.

_You grow a little every day _

_And now I'm grown and I look like you_

There were no words exchange, no apologies, no nothing. Meredith just supported a very hung-over Thatcher out to the car and helped him in. He was sleeping before the car started moving. Fighting tears Meredith pulled up in front of the middle sized villa. She quietly took the bag, the police had given her, with Thatcher's belonging, found the keys and walked up and unlocked the door before she began to balance him in. She sat him in the living room chair. Their eyes met and Meredith saw the emptiness that she felt reflected in them.

_Who'd ever know - how I turned out _

_But, I'm grown, and I look like you _

_I look like someone I never knew…_

Thatcher sat still and looked back at her. The silence filled the little room; a cold breeze came in through the open front door. Meredith cleaned her throat,

"You have everything you need?" her voice was breaking and she spoke fast to cover it up. Thatcher quickly looked to the table, saw the empty bottle then looked to the floor and found an unopened one right next to his chair. He nodded. Meredith blinked and stepped back and started moving towards the door.

"Thank you," Thatcher whispered seconds after the door was slammed shut.

_Speak while your lips are trembling _

_Talk to me when I'm listening _

_Finally someone said something good _

_We grow a little every day _

_And now I'm grown and I look like you _

_Like a voice that fills out the room _

_How do you know when you've grown up? _

_When you tie yourself down and give yourself up_.

Lexie was still lying crumbled together – her legs up to her chest - on his bed when he came home. She was awake, she was crying. He knew it without looking at her face. He threw his jacket on the floor and climbed close to her, wrapped his arms around her and head a quiet sob leave her mouth.

"I'm here," he whispered, placing a kiss on her neck.

_Speak while your lips are trembling _

_Talk to me when I'm listening _

_Finally someone said something good_

George pushed the door open to the small room containing all his things – packed in boxes – and a sleeping bag on the floor. Izzie watched him from bottom of the staircase, he turned, their eyes locked and she held out her hand. Tiredly George closed the door, took her hand and followed her to her room.

_Because we're leaving nothing _

_But moments of belonging _

_Finally someone said something good _

_Finally someone said something good _

_In the end someone says something good..._

_When you fall and get lost you have two options. One. You can close your eyes walk forward tumble, fall deeper and get so lost you don't know how to get back again or you can open your eyes and try to find your way back. That's how you move forward. That's how you move on…_

AU:

The song's DAD's "Something good".

Okay, so first of all THANK YOU to all of you who reviewed!! It's really great to read what you all think about it and it keeps me writing, so again a huge thanks! I've made a bit more space between the difference parts so I hope it's easier to separate now 

Secondly I was going to leave it that they all went to bed alone but in a way I had to stress how alone Meredith feels. Oh, and the Derek "moving on so quickly" – I've been re-watching basically all GA episodes made and I was struck by the episode where Nancy (Derek's sister) comes and she tells him that he's never been on his own. That is a bit how I see his character. He's not the kind of guy who's okay on his own. He might not be okay in whatever relationship he's in but alone? That he doesn't know how to do. Also he's not the kind of guy no girl/woman (whatever) would just let walk around single :-P

Anyway, I hope you liked it!!!


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4 SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW

_We are all alone. Alone - and on our own. We reach out to each other and try to find someone to hold on to. We search for a steady point in our lives and we hope that someday, someday we'll make it…_

_Wake up where the clouds are far behind me_

_Where trouble melts like lemon drops_

_High above the chimney tops that's_

_Where you'll find me_

_Some where over the rainbow_

_Blue birds fly_

_And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?_

"You sure about this colour?" Cristina said critically watching the little piece of wall that was freshly covered with a light cream colour. 

"You don't like it," Lexie's uncertainty was clear in her voice. 

"She's Cristina. She criticizes. It's her thing." Alex gave her a quick kiss on the cheek as he made his way towards the bottles of paint that were standing on the plastic covered floor. 

"It's not my thing." Cristina denied.

"It's your thing." Izzie grinned. She was holding a brush in her hand.

"It's really nice of you guys to help," Lexie said nervously.

"Of cause we'll help!" Meredith shouted from the other room. Cristina rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, 'cause we only work 80 hours per week so we have nothing better to do on our days off." The sarcasm wasn't to be mistaken.

"You don't," Meredith gave again.

"What do you mean?" Cristina asked loudly. Meredith appeared in the doorway in paint stained cloth. 

"You painted your apartment not that long ago." Meredith offered a smile but received a smirk from Cristina.

"That was different." 

"Yeah, you didn't _have_ to paint that but that," Meredith pointed towards the part of the wall that wasn't painted yet. It was an ugly dark grey.

"That needs to be painted before anyone can live here." Meredith gave Lexie an encouraging smile before she returned to the other room. 

"Where's George? I thought he was gonna live here too." Izzie said concentrated on painting nice edges without painting the ceiling. 

"He went to get more paint… we're almost out." Lexie answered holding up the almost empty bottle. Her stomach was filled with butterflies. Just two days ago it had felt like her world was crashing around her but somehow she'd ended up here. She knew a lot of it was thanks to Meredith who seemed to have taken the reins. It was Meredith who had told everybody to come and help painting. It was Meredith who had helped Lexie pack her things. It was Meredith who'd told Lexie not to worry about Thatcher but to concentrate on her own life. It was Meredith who'd helped them pick out the colours and it was Meredith who'd arranged the moving van that was now parked outside full of Lexie's and George's things. 

"Mer, what are you doing in there anyway? Thought we were done with that." Cristina shouted. 

"I'm just finishing the edges," Meredith answered immediately. In the same moment George opened the door carrying a bottle of paint. 

"Looks good," he smiled. 

"Doesn't it," Izzie forced a smile as she first looked at George then back on the wall. She was trying so hard to be supportive but the truth was that she felt her best friend pulling further and further away from her and it scared her. 

"Done!" Meredith announced joining them in the room. It wasn't a very big room, so with 6 people in there it was quickly became crowded and hard to move around, so George, Alex, Meredith and Cristina began carrying in things from the van. 

"I can't believe we actually did all of this in one day!" Lexie felt happier than she had for a long time. She was standing in the middle of her room; boxes containing her things were surrounding her. 

"That mean you're gonna stay here tonight?" Alex was leaning against the doorframe to her room his eyes burning into hers.

"I don't have a bed," she pointed out, smiling, and walked over to him. 

"You have a bed." She gently pulled in his shirt so he came closer.

"I have a bed," he mumbled before kissing her.

"Looks good…" Cristina said uncertain and glanced at Meredith, who too had a sceptical look on her face.  
"You have any leftovers?" Meredith opened her hand and revealed a couple of screws. Cristina reached down in her pocket and pulled a couple of round, flat coin looking things and a metal corner. 

"Think that's bad?" Meredith's eyes moved from the objects in their hands to Cristina's face.

"Nah, it'll hold." Her self-confidence wasn't at it's normal high but somehow she managed to sound convincing.

"What was he thinking? We're surgeons; not handymen!" Cristina then added her normal firm tone. 

"It's a nice bed," Meredith concluded.

"It'll hold." Cristina ensured before they turned and walked towards the living room. 

"You need any more help?" Izzie looked at George who turned and looked back at her. 

"No, I think I'm all set." She nodded. They stood there unsure of what to do or say. Izzie felt her heart crumble. When did it become so hard for them to talk? They'd agreed that it wasn't the right time. They agreed, right? Izzie wasn't sure anymore. She missed him, missed their talks and she missed him walking into her room and putting his arms around her, like he'd done the night he'd said it was their timing, not their chemistry. Their chemistry was great. Izzie knew it, she just knew; they were good together; together they were strong. 

"I'll be around the house all the time," George finally said, like he'd read her mind. Izzie nodded feeling the tears build up. He saw his own struggle in her eyes; saw the tears he wanted to shed in her eyes. Without saying anything he walked over to her and they fell into each other's arms. They stood there, holding on. They were holding on. 

"This isn't the end," George soft voice rang in her ears and she inhaled several times before she could speak.

"Why does it feel like it?" She blinked, tried to stop crying. Pulling away her hand quickly brushed the tears away. 

"It's not the end." George tried to look her in her eyes but she avoided it.

"Izzie," his voice begged her to look at him. She lifted her head, blinked a couple of times, looked at him then looked to the side holding her head up. 

"I'm… just…" she stuttered, "being silly." She quickly met his eyes then looked away again.

"All set O'Malley?" Alex with his hands around Lexie's shoulders appeared in the door with Cristina and Meredith just behind. 

"Bad timing," Cristina said as Izzie turned her back to them and with both hands dried away the tears. 

"Bad timing." George nodded looking at Izzie's back. 

"You staying here?" Meredith hoped George would shake his head and follow them home, for Izzie's sake, but he lifted his eyebrows and tried to smile.  
"Yes." 

"Okay…" Meredith looked to Cristina, who looked at Alex who just pulled his shoulder not knowing what to say. 

"We should get going," Izzie turned, her eyes a bit red but otherwise she seemed gathered as she quickly hugged George and whispered something in his ear. 

"Okay, you'll drop me off right?" Cristina was happy the tense feeling had lifted a bit.

"Sure. Bye George." Meredith waved to George who followed them out, stood alone in the door and watched as Meredith, Izzie and Cristina got into Meredith's car and Alex and Lexie got into the moving van. Somehow he felt like a new era of his life was beginning but as sad as he felt he couldn't help but also feel a sparkle of hope. 

Derek stretched his arms in front of his chest. He'd just come out of surgery and he only had a 1hour break before the next one. His head was a highway of thoughts. No, actually more like a highway junction of thoughts. They ran in both directions, to the left, right, up and down. They ran south, west, east and north. He closed his eyes briefly. There was a person in the hospital that needed his attention. He knew it. She was waiting. She needed someone; she was strong and hated to be weak but right now she needed someone. Quietly he pushed the half open door up. Tucker was lying in the small bed, tubs and wires running from his small body to biping, monitoring machines. Miranda was sitting in a chair right next to the bed her hand close to his but without touching it. She looked up.

"Hi," Derek smiled. She looked so tired and afraid. 

"Dr. Shepherd," she said her voice sounding different from her normal bossy and commanding one. He walked and kneeled down next to her chair. 

"Hi," he smiled again. She looked straight at him and still it was as if she didn't see him. 

"Dr. Bailey?" Derek tilted his head slightly searching her face. 

"I can't cry anymore," she said at last. Derek remained silent for a long time and watched Miranda as she just stirred into the air. 

"He's my baby and when he comes home his daddy's gonna be gone," her voice trembled slightly suddenly it her eyes looked at him intensely,

"I need to cry." There was desperation in her voice. 

"I should cry, I should cry 'cause he's here and his daddy's leaving and my baby's in the hospital." She was going to stand up, but Derek's hand stopped her. With one hand on each shoulder she was forced to look straight at him. 

"You've cried… You cried when he wasn't waking up, you cried when he was in surgery and you cried when he woke up… you cried." Derek let one hand trail down from the top of her hair to her neck. 

"You're Bailey. You're strong and you're fighting and you cry but right now Tucker's getting better and he needs his mom strong; that's really all he needs." Miranda shoulders started shivering as if she cried but no tears came. Derek again fell to his knees and hugged her.

"It'll be alright," he whispered. 

"It'll all be okay."

"You look tired! You look like you've been in surgery all day." Cristina jumped up from the cloth-covered chair she had been sitting in and inhaled deeply.

"You've been in surgery all day!" She accused offended. Callie gave her a strange look. 

"What?" Cristina snared, 

"It's MY happy place and I've been painting and moving boxes all day." She sounded unhappy and bumped back down in the chair.

"George moved, huh?" Callie threw her bag on the messy floor and sank down on the couch that served as her bed these days. 

"Yeah." 

"Please tell me there's rats and mice and it's a crappy, crappy place." Callie rested her head on the wall behind her.

"It's a crappy place." Cristina quickly said.

"Liar," Callie half smiled.

"It's a nice place and newly painted." Cristina then sighed. 

"How is he?" Callie looked at the ceiling and Cristina hesitated before answering. 

"I'm not sure," Cristina made a gesture with her hand and received a warning look from Callie. 

"What? I'm not a Bambi reader." Callie closed her eyes.

"I am," her voice was sad. 

"You miss him." Cristina said dryly. 

"You miss Burke," Callie shot back.

"No, I don't." Cristina denied offended, 

"I don't." Callie's head rolled from side to side and there was a little smile on her lips.  
"Okay." 

"Hey," Meredith tiredly leaned against the doorframe to Izzie's room. Izzie was lying on her bed, her back to Meredith.

"He gone…" Meredith took a deep breath and took that statement as an invitation and she stepped closer to the bed. 

"I know," she sat down on the bed. Izzie turned and Meredith saw the tears running down Izzie's face. 

"He's my best friend and we…" She let the sentence hang in the air. Meredith had been pretty self-involved lately and she only now realised that she had no idea what was really going on between Izzie and George. As if she had read Meredith's thoughts Izzie elaborated,

"The timing's not right now…" More tears came. Meredith took Izzie's hand and gave it a squeeze. 

"I don't know why but he… he needs this… it's like he's trying to go back and make things right, trying to undo something he did wrong…" she said thoughtfully.

"I know, somehow I think he's trying to get back to when he's dad died… he kinda lost some of himself," Izzie said sobbing slightly. Meredith just nodded. 

"I feel so alone," Izzie said quietly. Not saying anything Meredith just laid down on the bed next to Izzie.

"I'm still here," she said after a while. They looked at each other exchanging some kind of understanding.

"Besides there's better space for two here…" Meredith motioned at the bed and Izzie let a chuckled. 

"Yeah…" 

"Mer?" Meredith looked at Izzie waiting for her to speak again.

"Can you be George for me tonight?" Meredith sent Izzie a weird look and was about to speak when Izzie laughed,

"No! No, not like that. You and Cristina got this whole when-the-world-sucks-we'll-get-drunk-together. George and I did that too… just more quietly…" Meredith grinned.

"I got tequila…" 

The small CD player was on repeat and turned on max volume. Two girls were sitting on the floor a half empty bottle of tequila passed between them as they sang along to the song. Sometimes yelling something the other didn't quite hear but agreed to anyway. The arm-gestures were big and sometime they'd hit the wall or the floor or each other, but they'd just laugh unable to feel anything thanks to the amount of alcohol in their blood. 

_Turnaround, every now and then I get a _

_little bit lonely and you're never coming around _

_Turnaround, Every now and then I get a _

_little bit tired of listening to the sound of my tears _

_Turnaround, Every now and then I get a _

_little bit nervous that the best of all the years have gone by _

_Turnaround, Every now and then I get a _

_little bit terrified and then I see the look in your eyes _

_Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and _

_then I fall apart _

_Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and _

_then I fall apart _

_Turnaround, Every now and then I get a _

_little bit restless and I dream of something wild _

_Turnaround, Every now and then I get a _

_little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms _

_Turnaround, Every now and then I get a _

_little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry _

_Turnaround, Every now and then I get a _

_little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes _

_Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and _

_then I fall apart _

_Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and _

_then I fall apart _

_And I need you now tonight _

_And I need you more than ever _

_And if you'll only hold me tight _

_We'll be holding on forever _

_And we'll only be making it right _

_Cause we'll never be wrong together _

_We can take it to the end of the line _

_Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time _

_I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark _

_We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks _

_I really need you tonight _

_Forever's gonna start tonight _

_Forever's gonna start tonight _

_Once upon a time I was falling in love _

_But now I'm only falling apart _

_There's nothing I can do _

_A total eclipse of the heart _

_Once upon a time there was light in my life _

_But now there's only love in the dark _

_Nothing I can say _

_A total eclipse of the heart _

_Turnaround bright eyes _

_Turnaround bright eyes _

_Turnaround, every now and then I know _

_you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be _

_Turnaround, every now and then I know _

_you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am _

_Turnaround, every now and then I know _

_there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you _

_Turnaround, every now and then I know _

_there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do _

_Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and _

_then I fall apart _

_Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and _

_then I fall apart _

_And I need you now tonight _

_And I need you more than ever _

_And if you'll only hold me tight _

_We'll be holding on forever _

_And we'll only be making it right _

_Cause we'll never be wrong together _

_We can take it to the end of the line _

_Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time _

_I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark _

_We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks _

_I really need you tonight _

_Forever's gonna start tonight _

_Forever's gonna start tonight _

_Once upon a time I was falling in love _

_But now I'm only falling apart _

_There's nothing I can do _

_A total eclipse of the heart _

_Once upon a time there was light in my life _

_But now there's only love in the dark _

_Nothing I can say _

_A total eclipse of the heart_

"Turn around," Meredith mumbling sang lying on the floor. Outside dawn was breaking. Izzie was half sitting up again the wall, half lying on the floor. 

"You'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am," Izzie whispered. 

"That's just it!" Meredith said angrily sitting a bit up. 

"He didn't want me the way I am – he wanted me _ready_. He wanted ready-me. Not the-way-I-am-me!" She sniffled and brushed of a lonely tear on her cheek. 

"I want the way you are you," Izzie said comforting. 

"We should go gay." Meredith rambled as the song started all over again. 

"This is a great song!" Izzie sighed apparently not hearing what Meredith said. 

"Yes!" Meredith pointed a finger at Izzie.

"Bonnie's misunderstood – people just don't get her but hear how much soul she puts into the song!" Her speech was dragging a little due to the alcohol but Izzie just nodded agreeing,

"It does sound a bit like she smoked too much though…"

"Yeah, but it's soulful" Meredith rambled on then looked at Izzie seriously.

"I'd never take you for a Bonnie-fan," Izzie said smiled and Meredith giggled back. 

"I am," she announced proudly. 

_And I need you now tonight _

_And I need you more than ever_

Meredith joint in and soon they were singing their lungs out again.

_We are all alone and we search for company, hoping, longing and impatiently waiting._

AU: 

Firstly a bit of comments to your comments:

It will be Mer/Der hang in there it'll come but not the next couple of chapters… need to build some story first, so have patience and keep reading! 

Bendmeoverandsmackmyassmcdream: I actually haven't got anyone in the ff for Meredith yet(and I've written a few chapters ahead 'cause I know I'll get stuck suddenly and this way you wont go without regular updates for too long – hopefully) but it might be a good idea  Anyway, it did inspire me to a new twist ;)

Thank you all for the comments! I really do appreciate them and they keep me writing, so thanks and please continue reviewing!

Secondly my comments on this chapter: 

The painting George/Lexie's apartment part was pretty hard to write; I really just wanted to give the impression of them having a good time together and still keep the feeling of the building tension between George and Izzy. I kind of needed to put something a bit lighter in this chapter – the two previous ones have been pretty dark. I know the Callie/Cristina part was short and maybe seemed unnecessary but I just really want to explore their relationship a bit more 'cause I think there's something's they have in common and maybe they'll be able to help each other. Some of you might be surprised that there's no Thatcher in this chapter but he'll be back in due time. 

The last part I wrote as one of the first things for this ff. Originally it was Mer/Cristina but I couldn't fit in. Now I thought it fitted really nicely as a bit of Izzie/Mer bonding. When I re-watched the last episode (4,11) I really got the feeling that George wanted to go back and do things differently and that leaves Izzy/Mer alone (I know Alex's living in the house now, but he's not the one they'd go to, interrupt and lay on his bed….), so that was like the best opportunity for Izzy/Mer. 

It is btw a bit of my own life story – a fond memory of me a two friends drunk sitting on the bathrooms floor, half depressed singing (or more like screaming) along to that song… good times :D

Songs: 

1) Somewhere over the rainbow with Israel Kamakawiwo Ole 

2) Total eclipse of the heart with Bonnie Tyler.

Hope you liked it 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Ashes to ashes

**Chapter 5: Ashes to ashes**

"_In sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, til thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken; for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." That is what the Biblical text Genesis 3:19 say. Or we say today, "from dust to dust". As doctors we see death more often than most others. We fight for patient's lives. We fight with them, against them, for them. We always fight. We have to – it is in the job. _

The alarm went off. Alex moaned, turned it off and snuggled closer to Lexie.

"I have to get up," she said blurredly.

"Feels like we just went to sleep." Lexie slowly sat up though Alex's arms tried to keep her down.

"Thanks to "Total eclipse of the heart" we did," Alex complained. His arms reached up, got hold of her shoulders and pulled her back down in the bed.

"I'm gonna be late," she giggled.

"You're sick," he started kissing her neck.

"No," Lexie said weakly as Alex moved down now kissing her collarbone.

"Very, very sick," he smiled feeling her stop fighting.

"NO!" She sat up with a power that almost pushed him to the floor.  
"Cristina's gonna kill me and we bonded yesterday and I can't be killed cause then I can't be here anymore and then…" She was now standing on the floor trying to find her clothes as she rambled on. Lying back on the bed a smile spread on Alex's lips. Lexie was so innocent. Normally he was the guy who screwed around with no conscience whatsoever but the feelings he obviously had for Eva or Rebecca made him feel guilty. He never felt guilty. Only once before had that happened to him and that was with Izzie. He had been in love with her; he didn't deny or doubt it. He was in love now too. He was growing more and more sure and it would scare him if the woman he was falling for wasn't standing half-necked in his room rambling on about being killed by her resident and how bad that would be for their relationship. Her stream of words stopped, now that she was fully dressed. She walked over to him and bend down over him giving him deep kiss.

"When does your shift start?" she whispered close to his lips.

"6 tonight," he mumbled feeling light-headed from her kiss.

"Lets hope for a quiet night then." Her voice held a promise and he saw her raise her eyebrows, then she bit her lip and pulled away.

"See ya," he called after her.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"You're gonna move or do you want me to try and hit the toilet from here?" Alex's voice slowly woke the two women on the floor up.

"Hey!" He shouted making both women jump Meredith almost hitting her head on the sink.

"We have two hours 'til we have to be at the hospital ready for a marathon shift, you've kept me up all night and I need to pee."

Izzie, who were now standing up heavily leaning against the wall,

"Please don't say pee," she said looking like she was going to puck any minute.

Alex slept over to the toilet starting to unbutton his trousers.

"Fine I need to take a piss, urinate… now!" He said loudly.

"Think I'm gonna puck." Izzie quickly walked out. Alex looked over his shoulder where Meredith was still occupying the space on the floor right under the sink, next to the shower. Her eyes were firmly shut and her hands were holding her head.

"Fine, stay if you want to," Alex mumbled.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"I feel hopeful," Cristina pulled her scrubs t-shirt on and slammed the locker door shut.

"Loads and loads of surgical cases… from one surgery to another…" she continued with a dreaming voice.

"Please no. I need coffee and sleep and aspirin!" Izzie, who had been sitting down putting on her clothes now stood to pull the scrub trousers on.

"You've been drinking?" Cristina said sceptical.

"Her and Meredith, a bottle of tequila and a CD player," Lexie filled in from the door where she was waiting for her resident's instructions.

"Wait!" Cristina shouted after Izzie as she walked towards the nurse's station.

"You drank a bottle of tequila without calling me?!" Cristina stood with her arms cross watching Izzie closely.

"You're living with Callie," Izzie said tiredly.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Cristina sounded annoyed. Alex sat down in a chair and watched with amusement.

"She hates me and you invites her to live with you." Izzie said immediately wishing she could take it back.

"You slept with her husband!" Cristina's angry voice filled the hall.

"Even worse! You rub it in her face until you're sure the marriage is over then you let it fall to the floor." Frustrated Cristina heard the words leave her mouth. She knew this would end badly but George and Izzie's relationship had pissed her off from the beginning.

"I didn't choose to love him! I just do," Izzie tried to defend herself but somehow her anger overshadowed her arguments and all she could think of was that she loved him.

"You chose to let him know." Cristina shut her down.

"And now you expect - what? Sympathy? You had a choice!" Cristina lowered her voice a bit as she added,

"You always have a choice."

Meredith confused looked at her two friends openly arguing in the middle of the hall. She had been checking on a patient when she'd heard the loud voices. Across from her George was standing still, his eyes glued to Izzie. Lexie had stepped behind Alex as if she was seeking shelter. To the left the chief followed by Derek and Mark approached the scene. Izzie and Cristina measured one another before Cristina abruptly turned and walked away the crowd spreading before her. She pushed passed Meredith. Half turning to go after her Meredith first quickly looked towards Izzie where she saw George putting a hand on her shoulder and leading her away from the crowded hall. Without further hesitation Meredith turned and ran after Cristina.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

"Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Sloan," the crowd was dissolving and Richard spoke in a low, calm but tension filled voice.  
"Page Dr. Torres, Dr. Grey, Dr. Karev, Dr. Yang, Dr. Stevens and Dr. O'Malley. You all meet my office in half an hour." He received two questioning looks.

"Just get it done!" Richard said aggressively and walked towards his office.

"Doesn't sound good," Mark said rubbing the back of his head.

"No," Derek agreed finding his pager.

"So, how's everything with the nurse?"

"How's everything with Hahn?" Derek asked back not looking away from his pager.

"She's difficult! I really have to be on my toes with her!" Mark shared lost in his own thoughts.

"She's really getting to you," Derek's eyes were now on Mark.

"I've said that from day one," Mark sounded a bit annoying.

"You're you," Derek said pulling his shoulders upwards.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Mark had turned so he was facing Derek. Very aware that he was both taller and had broader shoulders. Derek didn't look intimidated thought, more like amused.

"One day it's Hahn the next it's not – you!" Derek said in an amused voice.

"I don't do that anymore." Mark stated not without pride in his voice.

"Yes, you do. Once you get what you want from Hahn you're off to find greener grass," Derek smiled widely now seeing how Mark became more and more aggressive in his posture.

"I don't find greener grass!" Mark threateningly stepped closer to Derek using the advantage of his height.

"You certainly take offence," Derek chuckled. Mark quickly backed down realizing Derek had been playing him.

"You know I'll get back at you, right?" Mark threatened with a little smile.

"Looking forward to it," Derek laughed.  
"You do remember the last time you said that to me?" Mark said and smiled at the fond memory.

"I had half the female staff of this hospital running after me – yes, I remember." Derek smirked.

"Welcome to round two," Mark said blinking one eye. Derek just smiled.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Cristina," Meredith finally caught up with her friend.

"What was that?" Meredith asked waving a hand behind them. They were now in the staircase.

"I'm sick of Barbie and Bambi and they're drama," Cristina complained.

"You really take Callie's side?" Meredith was taken a bit back.

"They cheated on her!" Cristina said so loud you would think she was speaking to a deaf.

"And they're sorry but they're trying and they didn't mean to hurt her," Meredith defended.

"They're sorry?" Cristina said in disbelieve.

"You don't break someone's heart and then say, "Oh, I'm sorry"! That doesn't fix anything; it doesn't make it right! They didn't mean to hurt her? Yeah, well they did and now they're sorry? Maybe she should have thought about that before she jumped Bambi and did the nasty nasty!" Cristina was shutting and it echoed in the staircase.

"Cristina!" Meredith tried to calm her friend down but Cristina just gave her a glare.

"Of cause you're on their side! After all adultery isn't that unfamiliar to you!" Meredith gasped for air feeling something inside her break. Cristina saw Meredith's face turn pale, saw how she stepped back, how her hands suddenly hung down her side, saw how she lost all fight in her. Tears whelmed up in Cristina's eyes realising what she'd just said. Her mouth was open and she moved it, tried to speak but remained silent. Meredith took two steps backwards before she turned her back to Cristina and started walking down the stairs.  
"Mer!" Cristina's shout was desperate as she saw her friend continue down the stairs not turning or reacting.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Shh," George tried to calm a very upset Izzie down. He had taken her to the resident's locker room and she was now sitting on the bench while he was kneeling in front of her. Heavy breathing Izzie met his eyes.

"Is she right?" Her voice shook and George felt a huge lump being formed in his. He shook his head.

"Should I… I shouldn't have told you… I shouldn't have said anything" Izzie was sobbing and heaved for air. George felt helpless not knowing what to say or do to calm down the beautiful blond.

"I shouldn't…" Izzie said again; repeated it over and over again until George reached up and with both hands made her shaking head stop moving from side to side; making her look at him.

"It takes two… in a black and white world I may be a bad guy and… we may be bad," He quietly thanked Bailey for her words as he tried to capture Izzie's eyes but she kept trying to look to the side or up of down.

"Izzie, it's not a black and white world. There's grey and it takes two. You didn't break anything. If anybody did it was me. I was the married one…" finally her eyes stopped avoiding his.

"I love you," his voice was steady and calm and he looked straight at her. She slowly nodded and a little smile spread on her lips.

"Okay?" George asked unsurely, drying away the tears with his thumbs.

"Okay."

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"What's this about?" Alex looked from Derek to Mark, who both just pulled their shoulders.

"What's going on?" Callie approached them and they all looked at her. The three exchanged a look.

"What's that?" Callie pointed her finger at them.

"What's what?" Derek asked innocently.

"That look" Callie said as they again looked at each other.

"There! That!" She looked at the suspiciously.

"So you didn't hear about Yang and Stevens?" Mark began unsurely. Callie lowered her eyebrows, "No" the three nodded again looked at each other.

"Someone better tell me what this' about!" Callie said threading understanding that she was somehow involved in this.

"They were fighting," Alex quickly said.

"Fighting?" Callie said not understanding anything.

"About you…" Derek elaborated

"and O'Malley" Mark continued. Callie chuckled,

"I don't get it and you sound like three school girls being questioned by their teacher." Signing Mark took the word.

"I don't know the whole conversation but the point is that Yang was accusing Steven of breaking up you and O'Malley and Stevens was accusing Yang of taking your side…" Callie's jaw dropped and she looked at them in disbelieve.

"Yang defended me?" she said in an odd voice.

"Yeah," they all nodded.

"What does that have to do with us being here outside the chief's office?" Callie wondered.

"We don't know," Derek said offering a small apologising smile.

"Hey, what's this about?" George's voice interrupted the conversation. Alex, who had been standing with his back to George now, turned and moved a bit to the side reviling Callie.

"Oh, hi," George added awkwardly. Pressing her lips together Callie looked from George to Izzie managing to get an unenthusiastic,

"Hi" out. Callie's eyes searched Izzie's. It was clear she had been crying and looking at George Callie was sure he had had difficulties calming her down.

"Come in," the chief roared, looking at them as they entered his office.

"Where's Yang?" He questioned just as Cristina entered.

"Here, sir," she said looking down in the floor. She walked passed Derek, Mark, Izzie, George and Alex before she finally placed herself between the wall and Callie. Callie met her eyes and Cristina saw something she interpretated as a thank you there.

"Where's Grey?" All eyes turned to the chief, then to Cristina. Cristina looked to the floor; all words had left her. She had spent the last 20 minutes wishing she set back time. The door opened and all eyes turned towards Meredith as she entered. All felt the tension in the room raise. To top it all off Meredith just closed the door but kept her one hand on the handle as if she was ready to make a quick escape. The chief inhaled and exhaled loudly bringing the attention back to him.

"We are here to take care of patients. We are here to help them. We are here to take away pain." He started calmly, sitting down in his chair, resting his elbows on the armrests and his fingers touching in front of his mouth.

"Shutting, arguing, crying and fighting," his voice grew angry,

"…will NOT help or heal or cure! This is why we have – or had - guidelines against relationships between co-workers. I don't care how angry you are at each other; I don't care what happens between you as individuals! When you're here – at work – you will do your job and you will burry all these personal issues. I will not tolerate shutting and fighting in the halls as I saw today. I won't accept it!" He looked at the 7 people in front of him. He saw how Meredith, Cristina, Izzie looked to the floor, how George looked towards Izzie, how Callie looked at George, how Derek looked at Meredith but then turned his head and met his eyes. The only two looking straight at him were Mark and Alex.

"Will anyone care to explain what happened?" Richard asked aggressively. No one said anything; everyone looked to someone else to say something.

"Dr. Yang?" He said looking at Cristina. Wetting her lips she met his eyes.

"Uhm, Dr. Stevens and I had a uh, a uh," she searched for the word but seemed unable to find the right one.

"We had a uh, disagreement…" She finally managed to say. The chief nodded slowly.

"Dr Stevens?" Izzie looked up; confused.

"Care to explain what the _disagreement_ was about?" Richard said a bit softer seeing her red eyes, yet still obviously angry. Izzie looked clearly not knowing what to answer. Richard felt how the anger got worse

"You can share it with the entire hospital but you can't explain it to me?" he roared. She quickly looked at Cristina.

"We.. uh…" Izzie said panicking.

"Choices," she said loudly as if she finally remembered a word.

"Choices?" Richard questioned.

"Yes," Izzie said saticefied. Richard looked lost.

"What choices?" Again Izzie looked panicking.

"The choices we all have everyday," everybody looked surprised at Meredith. She looked at the chief then shortly at Cristina and then back to the chief.

"The choice to speak up, break up, hold on, let go, forgive, love, lose, fight or flight. They were talking about those choices," Meredith said steadily her hand still on the door handle.

"Choices…" Richard tasted the word as if Meredith's words had giving it new meaning. There was a break where most of them stole several gazes toward Meredith.

"There will be no more shutting, fighting or arguing in the halls. If you as much as raise your voices it will have consequences." They all nodded to show they'd understood him.

"Dr. Yang and Dr. Stevens…" Izzie and Cristina both looked at him.

"You are forbidden to step into an OR then next month unless extreme situations requires you to. You three will make sure to uphold this." Richard pointed at Mark, Derek and Callie who all nodded.

"Beside that Dr. Yang and Dr. Stevens are to do charts TOGETHER every day before they leave." Izzie's and Cristina's eyes quickly met before they again nodded.

"Now get out of my office." Richard said tiredly. Meredith was almost out of the room before the final words had been spoken. Cristina quickly pushed passed the others so, only Derek and Meredith, who'd been closest to the door, managed to get out before her. Meredith was already halfway over the bridge.

"Mer?" Cristina said carefully not raising her voice too much. Meredith didn't react but kept walking. Fighting the urge to run after her Cristina placing a hand in each side, hung her head and quietly shook it while closing her eyes for some seconds. Derek frowned his brows. The tension inside the office had clearly told everyone that something was wrong. He had, however, ignored the many times Cristina had tried to catch Meredith's eyes and the way Meredith had managed to avoid eye contact with pretty much everyone - especially Cristina – and cupped it up to the general discomfort everyone was feeling. However, seeing Meredith walking away from "her person" and seeing Cristina's defeated posture made him realize that something more than the George fight was going on.

"Something's definitely not right between those two," Mark said behind Derek watching as Cristina slowly walked away.

"Yeah," Derek said concerned.

"I better find Hahn… " Mark's remark made Derek turn looking confused.

"Hahn?" He questioned.

"You know I knew this would be an eventful day and see we've had fights in the halls, we have weird tension between friends and now I've been given an opportunity to speak with Hahn." He smiled satisfied.

"Good for you…" Derek eyed Mark before continuing,

"This opportunity you're talking about is?" Mark just smiled and pointed towards the bridge where Cristina had been two minutes ago.

"Yang and Steven's quarantine against ORs." Derek just starred at him still not getting it. Mark threw his hands in the air.

"Hahn doesn't know," he elaborated. Derek finally seemed to understand.

"But she will," he said as Mark walked away from him.

"Yes, she will!" Mark said happily.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Dr. Torres?" Richard said just as she was passing Alex, George and Izzie. Callie took a few steps closer to the table and from the corner of her eye she saw how the three others quietly left the room.

"You can put Stevens and Yang in the clinic…" Richard suggested.

"Then you have that covered and you have the rest for the surgeries,…" he continued closely watching Callie.

"Okay," she said. Again she was going for the door when the chief called her name. Turning again he quietly asked,

"How you holding up?" Callie was surprised. She knew the chief was concerned about his personnel but that he actually asked her was still surprising. She hesitated with the answer not really knowing how she was.

"I'm …" she met his eyes,

"I'm okay" she gave him a smile then added,

"Thanks you know… for asking," her smile grew and was returned by Richard.

"You're welcome," he said after her.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

George pager went off just as they stepped out of the office.

"Gotta get this," he said apologising then hurried away. Leaving Alex and Izzie looking after him.

"So no surgeries for a month, huh?" Alex said trying to sound casual.

"I must be world record holder in quarantines." Izzie signed making Alex laugh.

"And still here you are," he smiled. Izzie looked down in the floor, blinking in an attempt to hold back tears.

"Here I am," she mumbled.

"Hey," Alex stopped seeing her nearly crying.

"Yang'll come around," Alex ensured soothingly placing a hand on her shoulder and shaking it gentle.

"We hurt a lot of people!" Izzie shook her head, her hand brushed over the cheek.

"I hurt you…" she studied Alex but he just looked back at her.

"I got over it," he shrugged, "so will they just give them time." Izzie starred at him as if that would convince her.

"Alex Karev," she finally said smiling,

"You know you're not dirty uncle Sal anymore, right?" Alex looked at her with a little confused smile.

"Sorry, it's something Mer said a long time ago…" Izzie explained chuckling. Alex just looked at her then nodded.

"Sorry I hurt you," Izzie said quietly looking to the floor.

"Maybe it was for the best…" Alex wondered. Izzie's eyes searched him with new interest.

"If you hadn't I would probably still be half waiting," he wondered a loud. A smile spread on Izzie's face.

"You're in love!" She said happily. Alex quickly looked at her and denied it.

"You're in love with… oh, with Lexie!" Alex couldn't help but smile. Somehow the yellow Izzie was back and he like her much more than hurt and grey Izzie.

"Maybe I am," he confessed with a smile. Izzie laughed and nodded.

"You know deep down you're a good guy" she pointed out receiving a smirk from Alex.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Done?" Meredith asked her interns as she walked up to the nurse's station placing her charts the right place. They all nodded.

"Okay, well see if you can get some sleep but keep an eye on things," she instructed. The four in front of her dissolved leaving just George.

"Thanks…" he said after they'd been standing still for a moment.

"What for?" Meredith had been avoiding pretty much everybody all night but now George seemed to have cornered her.

"Jumping in, helping Izzie earlier at the chiefs office," George explained.

"Oh," Meredith nodded,

"Sure," and started walking towards an on-call room.

"You know it seemed Cristina wa…"

"Yeah, I'm really tired, George, so…" Meredith interrupted him speeding up.

"Oh, okay…" he said stopping knowing that something was wrong.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

"Meredith," Derek greeted. Tiredly Meredith closed her eyes. She was standing right outside the on-call room where a bed was screaming for her. He walked over to her giving her a little McDreamy smile.

"Derek," she said politely.

"Everything okay?" he sounded concerned and Meredith felt how anger built up inside her. He had no right to be concerned; he had no right to ask how she was. He was supposed to let go. At the same time a warm feeling made the anger subside a little. He was concerned, that meant he still cared. Again the anger took over but this time she was angry with herself for actually feeling happy that he was concerned.

"Why wouldn't it be?" her voice sounded cold and still she couldn't help but longing for him and she knew it was written in her eyes.

"You and Cristina just didn't seem…" Derek started tearing his eyes away from her.

"We're fine," Meredith stated. Derek sent her a clearly faked smile.

"'Cause you are." He knew he sounded annoyed.

"What's that suppose to mean?" Meredith shut at him.

"You're always _fine_," he said with a mix of annoyance and anger. He couldn't help it. The hurt from being pushed away; hurt that she'd asked him to let go; hurt that she was letting go. Hurt - it was there right under the surface, under the mask that he put on before facing the world.

"What do you want?" her voice was low but threatening and Derek knew they were on dangerous ground.

"You…" He was going to say something more but somehow the words got stuck in his throat.

"ME?" Tears were building up in her eyes and she was fighting to keep her voice down. Derek looked at her and suddenly he smiled.

"Yes," he said simply. Meredith opened her mouth and took in air. She was confused.

"You dazzle around with McNurse being all McHappy and now you want me?" Her voice was breaking.

"Meredith," he said softly reaching out to touch her hand but she pulled away.

"No!" she said firmly.

"I can't do this," she quickly opened the door, walked into the room and shut it behind her leaving Derek paralyzed outside.

_Ashes to ashes_

_And dust to dust_

_That's what has become_

_Of our love and trust_

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hey," George said softly sitting down in the chair next to her.

"Hi," she finally said not looking at him.

"I'm sorry…" he said again, she just nodded. The door opened and Izzie walked into the room.

"Oh," she said looking from Callie to George. George quickly got up like he'd been caught doing something he certainly shouldn't. Izzie turned on her heels, George quickly moved after her, leaving Callie alone. She closed her eyes and took deep breaths.

_Love has no direction_

_Cause love has no aim_

_Love can leave you_

_As fast as she came_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A pair of arms wrapped around his neck and he stopped on the spot.

"Quiet night," a voice whispered in his ear and a smile spread on his lips. Slowly he turned and closed his arms around her, pulled her in close. Her hot breathe near his lips.

"Yeah," he said before kissing her. The kisses grew deeper and he turned them, so he pressed her up against the wall.

"Get a room," nurse Tyler's voice made them break apart, heavily breathing but smiling at each other. Alex looked into Lexie's eyes.

"There's the closet…" she suggested gently massaged the back of his neck and he quickly moved them the few steppes to the right before he found the door handle and pushed her in before entering himself and then locking the door behind them.

_Meeting is such sweet sorrow_

_Cause someday we may have to part_

_Hush don't you make a sound_

_You're gonna let me down_

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Izzie…" George caught up with her and grabbed her hands

"I love you!" She said stepping close to him and surprisingly enough kissed him. Breaking apart George needed a minute gathering himself. His brain was filled with thoughts and doubts and confusing dominated his mind.

"We've hurt everybody!" He said defeated. Izzie nodded feeling so many contradicting emotions.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Cristina came around the corner.

"We … need time." She heard George's voice say and she saw him hesitatingly pull in Izzie to a tight hug. Her heart broke and the lonely feeling she'd been fighting for so long hit her with twice the force. Painfully she saw Burke's face in front of her, saw him smile, saw him understand her, and saw him walk away. Quickly she turned and walked away from the couple. Meredith! She needed to find Meredith - her person. Then she remembered the episode earlier that day and she continued to the main entrance of the hospital, walked out in the cold night air and stood there.

_Good things come_

_To those who wait_

_But good things are gone_

_From those who are late_

………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Meredith stood her back against the door. A lonely tear ran down her face. She quietly slid down to the floor intensely listening for steps outside the door. He wanted her? Her chest rose and fell.

_All that I am_

_Is all I can give_

_But with or without you_

_My life I must live_

_Meeting is such sweet sorrow_

_Cause someday we may have to part_

_Hush don't you make a sound_

_You're gonna let me down_

Finally she heard him move. Part of her wished for him to step closer to the door. Wished for him to whisper for her to open the door. Part of her wished….

The steps slowly and reluctantly moved away from the door.

_Living ain't easy_

_Since you've been gone_

_No one else can please me_

_Or make me feel home_

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………_.._

Cristina slowly got up from the bench where she'd been sitting for… she didn't know how long. She looked at the building. It held so many memories and yet it was the only place that could make her feel better.

_Forgetting ain't easy_

_You stay on my mind_

_Thoughts of us haunt me_

_Can't leave them behind_

Meredith was lying in the lonely bed. Crumbled together, not able to sleep but so tired. She closed her eyes, squeezed them together trying to hold everything out…

_We always fight…_

AU:

There it is – chapter no5. Sorry about the LONG wait!! I have no good excuses not to post this earlier, so again sorry!

Lexie and Alex are kind of my happy place right now and I think the story would get way too heavy and depressing without a bit of them… besides I think they're really sweet together – Lexie so innocent and Alex so… mysterious and changing… he's like this guy you just never really know and you just don't know how he's going to act…

Anyway, the cristina/Mer part really tore me up to write 'cause they are so strong together and I really love that friendship!

I hope you're still reading and still like it! Please continue to review and many thanks to all of you reviewers ).

Song: "Ashes to ashes" by Ben Harper and Alison Krauss.


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